Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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