Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
