i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
