a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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