That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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