Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
