You can't motorboat a personality
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
