Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
