I want to make a zoo with you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
