textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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