3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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