Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
