you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
