I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
