Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
