The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
