dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
