Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
