when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
