First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize