I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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