Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
