I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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