i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
so much tequila, so little girl.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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