We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
