My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
