Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
