He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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