I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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