He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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