she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
