how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
