Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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