I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
