My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize