i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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