he shaved USA in his pubs
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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