I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
