If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
