oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
