Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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