I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
