I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I lost the right to judge tonight
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
