I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
