Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was confusing and full of hummus
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need to align my fucking chakras
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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