You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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