I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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