I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
