I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
