You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your dad touched me again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
