wanna go halves on a baby?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hippo gnu deer
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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