I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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