wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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