There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
