Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
