I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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